I want to thank those of you who have joined me in my journey recovering from domestic violence. I have come to know a lot about myself and I hope in some way I have offered others insight and direction on ways to recover from our own 'sickness' - codependency.
Though none of us wake up as children and say, "One day, I want to marry or interact with someone who will try to control me, manipulate me, belittle me, disrespect me", many of us wake up as adults and find we have been living in these very conditions. Many cannot find their way out of the situation because they are afraid to for a number of reasons. We are afraid of the tangible and obvious reasons everyone hears about in publications about domestic violence and abusive relationships. Yet, the majority of us are afraid to admit defeat, we are afraid to admit mistakes, we are ashamed and we are afraid to speak out to the world about the circumstances we have succumb to to survive.
We cannot control or cure those who are abusive, whatever their reason for their abusive behavior. We are not the cause of it. They have their own illnesses and addictions to recover from and that is their journey to take - not ours to direct nor ours to carry them upon. We are, however, entitled to our voices, our own self-value, our own self worth. We can control our footsteps to lead us to recover our voices, our self-value and our self worth. We have a right to be respected without feeling guilty when we seek respect. We have a right to be heard without feeling we are stupid or insane when we speak to our truth.
Many of us coming from abusive relationships will continue to struggle with the compulsions to excuse ourselves for speaking up and out about our inner feelings. Many of us coming from abusive relationships will continue to struggle with the compulsions to avoid confrontations and suppress our feelings. Many of us coming from abusive relationships have been taught, maybe even without realizing we have been, that to speak of ourselves, our feelings, our minds, our hearts and our souls leads to disapproval, abandonment, guilt, aggression all of which are emotional conditionings which often leads to physical abuse. However, the physical abuse is by far the easiest to recover from, ultimately. It's the emotional and psychological conditioning that abusers subject us to and subsequently that we condition ourselves with that are the hardest factors to recover from.
I found today, that I have come a long way in my recovery. I found today, that I still have a long way to go in my recovery. I expressed emotions to someone I felt I needed to rather than suppressing them, the healing me speaking out. I expressed my feelings in as healthy a fashion as I have come to know while still fearing the reaction I anticipated I would get. I got the reaction I expected and began to react the way I have been conditioned to react, the sick me trying to come forward.
Now, the healthy me knows now, I have a choice. I can control me. So I stopped. I can make an apology, which I did in anger. This I see is not the healing me at work. The healing me will state publicly, now, I am sorry for my part in the escalation. In my prior apology I cited that I was sorry I spoke of what I was feeling. I am not sorry I spoke of my feelings, the circumstances were aggravating me and consequently the very thing that I was making expression to, feeling I cannot express myself and I feel I am being misunderstood, was the reaction I see I received.
My sick me wants to belabor this, seek approval, take on unwarranted guilt and avoid aggressive behavior. My sick me wants to beat my proverbial head against this wall until my view point is noticed and I am fully and unequivocally understood. My sick me witnesses abandonment because with my expression came a reaction to disconnect the conversation never to receive another IM again! End of discussion, even though the statement was "I understand, but I am not going to listen" in so many words. This is what I witnessed. This makes me feel insane because I can hear the statements following my citing this, I have heard them for many years. They are rolling through my head right now, "I did not say that", "You misunderstood". Well, those specific words may not have been said, but actions speak rather loudly when I see, "I see your view point" . . . and "I will not IM you again" with a sign off taking place before I am even given a chance to finish the statement I am making.
So, my sick me wants to control, cure and believe I caused this. I own my part in it. My part is the reaction sent in an email. Now, however, my healing me knows I have a self value, I do not need to own unwarranted guilt and I do not need to avoid aggressive reactions to the detriment of myself by suppressing what I was feeling. I also recognize that I cannot control, change, cure or cause the reactions of others. All of those factors are our own dealings no one else’s. My healing me knows I have a self worth and a right to feeling and expressing my feelings and others have their choice in whether they will respect them or not. Just as I have the choice, if they chose not to respect them and to honor their wish to "never IM you again". We are all entitled to speak and sing our songs. I'm sure hearing my emotions and feelings were not so warm to see expressed. It hurts sometimes to see that our actions and statements are causing another to feel uncomfortable. We can react to that or we can respond to it.
So, in today's events, I chose to stop the reaction and the patterned behaviors. I have stated my piece and I have made my peace. I appreciate approval, but I do not need to seek it. I appreciate support, but if I do not receive it I am not otherwise abandoned. I have survived and will continue to learn and grow with each day and seek the guidance and direction I have gained in my own self-discovery with the help of God and those in my life that chose to be in it openly, receiving me as I am, faults and all and allow for me to receive them faults and all while we grow and travel together